Overcoming Depression {Part 1}: My Story

Thanks for stopping by and joining me in this journey of telling my story of how I have struggled with depression in the past, how I overcame it and how to live a joyful life. Since this is my first post in this "series", please bare with me as I get personal with my story. I hope to be open and honest and at the same time not all over the place so that you are able to follow along easily. I also hope to be a light and encouragement to anyone whom may be going through depression currently.

I have dealt with and struggled with depression at several different times in my life. The first time I really struggled with it was when I was 17. I was truly clinically depressed-- I was seeing a psychiatrist, on antidepressants and for a brief time was suicidal. What brought it on? A boy. I thought at the time that I fell in love with him. I gave him everything-- my heart, soul, body, mind...practically everything. It's almost like he owned me, that's how much I gave him control of me. He ended up dumping me and that's when I "lost it". At first I was living a hysterical life believing I couldn't live anymore without him. I went to extreme depths to try to win him back and when that didn't work I just didn't want to live anymore. Kinda silly, right? Well now looking back I realize I was little dramatic maybe, but I can't change my past. I was suicidal. I was searching ways to die in an easy way that wouldn't be hard to go through with. I remember nights when my mom would lay on the floor next to my bed because she was terrified I was going to go through with committing suicide. She would lay there, praying for me, hoping and pleading with God to give me the will to live. I hated her for it-- I just wanted to die and be gone...have the pain be gone.

After a little while, I couldn't hide the fact from myself that I did love my family and friends and couldn't hurt them by killing myself. I made the decision to live for them, not me. I continued counseling and taking my medications and over the next few months slowly started feeling happy and was just getting through each day. What really helped me was going off to a Christian college (that wasn't an easy decision either-- but I knew deep within my core that I should go there and hoped that maybe it wasn't too late to rekindle my relationship with God and thought going to that college would help me). Turns out it did. I started remembering who I was (in God) and freely worshiping Him, reading my Bible, hanging out with Christian friends who lifted me up and prayed with me and just was in a healthy and loving environment. I also met my husband in the first semester in college and fell head over heals for him... real love. Our love story is for another post though ;)

You may not know this, but I got married at age 19 (I had just turned 19 years old 2 weeks prior to be exact). It was of course the best decision I have ever made besides dedicating my life to Christ of course. Being in love, married young and on your own together at a young age will bring its challenges. It's not for everyone-- there are big obstacles and challenges that you'll go through together that will either make your marriage stronger or I guess break it. For my husband and I, we obviously overcame them as this September will be 9 years that we've been married!

The second time I struggled with depression was after I had my first child. I was a few weeks shy of turning 20 when I had my daughter. So, I was a young mom that felt alone a lot because my husband was a car salesman at the time and worked many long hours and would get home late every night. He was and still is an amazing daddy, but I still went through postpartum depression which is not that uncommon for women.

The third and hopefully final time I dealt with depression I'll say was the year 2014. It started off terrible by being deeply hurt by "Christian" friends who were more like family to me. A few months later my grandmother unexpectedly died (too young). Those were the two major things I was going through along with other minor stuff not worth mentioning. I slowly started gaining weight because I'm an emotional eater, wanted to sleep all the time, neglected my daughter's education some days and just was a shell of a person walking around. It was scary for my husband and I'm sure frustrating because I was also an angry person. I became a hermit-- I didn't want to leave our home unless it was to go out to eat because food was my enjoyment to be quite honest. So here I am again, older now with a husband and 2 kids and just not having the real will to live. I wasn't suicidal, but I didn't have the will or energy to want to live. I felt hopeless and like I had no purpose. I convinced myself that the only reason I was created by God was so that I could give birth to my two kids and that they were going to have a great purpose and destiny. After pulling teeth so to speak, I went to my family doctor and got back on antidepressants which helped me a lot. This was last summer in 2015.

I think this is a good spot to leave off. Next post I will share with you in more detail how I overcame depression within this last year.

My Song, My Strength